Essays

Friendship

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over, so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” Samuel Johnson

I’ve had a friendship of 28 years that has encompassed a sense of spiritual security, knowing that my friend is watching out for me even though I am halfway across the globe. A satisfying, gratifying kind of friendship that does not judge, does not look at me as a person trying to be something more than I actually am.

What started off as a High School crush (him on me) or puppy love (my take at the time) has kept us together all these years, certainly not in a physical way. It is geographically impossible (Boston to Manila). It is the very fact that we’re not together and we’ll never be together that makes us stick.

Confused? Let me explain. I am not at all emotional. I was, after all, brought up quasi-tomboy-ish. My head is firmly above my heart. I am straightforward with spicy tact sure to get to the point. “Taray” or so they say. I was told I draw people in with my smile.

He on the other hand, is considered quite a catch. He is a gentleman in the old fashioned way, loyal and dignified. I have never seen him angry. In my book, he might as well be a saint. He is smart, patient and kind. His kindness makes him stand out among others. We shared many favorites, color: green; fruit: Chico.

I lucked out that what I have valued as important in my life is shared by someone I share my heart with. Being young, we sat and absorbed the quiet of life, never really defining what’s expected of us versus what we wanted for ourselves. Too bad for us, we never learned to give out love and let love come in.

We didn’t get a chance to change the wrong things. We were very shy with affection. We were in essence, afraid of the vulnerability that loving entailed. Goodbyes were left unsaid until it was too late. I was off to America.

I met, fell in love and married someone else, “promised to be true, all the days of my life”. He is married as well vowing, “till death do us part” both of us, believing in happily ever after. The crush/puppy love simmered and mellowed in my simple understanding, into a deeper friendship. We saw each other occasionally. Favors here and there. I am even godmother to their daughter.

The love pushed into a small, safe spot in our hearts. Little twitches felt were deemed just enough to show we remember and we care. No declarations of feelings warranted, no need to rock the boat.

We have separate lives to live. Change happens, I am now partial to “blue”. Neither of us bitter, sad or lonely. But is it possible to love two people at the same time? This does not equate in my mind. Maybe, it is two different kinds of love. Did feelings diminish in time? I am unable to answer straightforwardly!

The rational mind, obviously points out all the reasons why we can never be together, why it can never be. I still feel blessed to have such a friend. I want to hold on to the pleasant sensation I feel when I think about it. I do not want to end the friendship. I do not want things to change. I do not want to risk exposing us to the roughness of a life lived together.

No dancing, no kissing hello and goodbye, no cooking together or brushing our teeth side by side. There will always be these glorified versions of “us”. Though we’ve shared heartaches, we’ve never shared sickness or tragedy, dirty laundry or dishes in the sink. Never have to worry about finances or the mundane details of daily living, what’s for dinner? Who’s picking up who and where? Did you pay the bill? No awkward silences.

And so, our love and friendship remains pure and sweet. Just like a dream. Just don’t wake me up too soon:)